Will Smith once said: “Her happiness is not my responsibility. She could be happy, and I should be happy as an individual, then we come together and share our happiness. Giving someone a responsibility to make you happy when you can’t do it for yourself is selfish.” You cannot expect your relationship to fulfill the entirety of your happiness. Your relationship is meant to make you happy, yes, but it shouldn’t be the sole source of your joy. Treating it as such will only put pressure on the relationship, and ultimately cause it to bend and break. To prevent this, and ensure a strong relationship that lasts, you must find happiness in other aspects of your life, independent of your partner. You cannot give up who you are and lose your identity in your relationship; you must remember that you are your own, unique, independent person.

        Many of us are goal orientated, meaning we want to work hard and turn our dreams into reality, whether that is creating a business that we are passionate about, getting the body we want, going to school or learning new skills. Many of us also have hobbies, such as sports, going fishing, reading, writing, or listening to music. These goals and hobbies generally make us happy. But all too often, these are the first things we give up when we get into a new relationship.  

        Famous relationship guru, Matthew Hussey, gave a great example of being yourself. He said in a podcast with Lewis Howes, “If you had 10 hours without your partner what would you do? If your answer is just hangout, watch tv or go to a friend’s house until your partner comes back then you have a serious problem.” His point was that if you cannot find meaningful ways to occupy your time without your partner, then you have become consumed by it to the point that you have no identity of your own. It is incredibly unattractive if you have no goals, ambitions, or dreams of your own, and your entire existence is based on your partner. In fact, it is likely to drive them away, especially if they continue to have goals and dreams of their own!

 Ask yourself, if your partner left right now, what would happen to you? Would it feel like your whole world has passed you by?

 If you answered yes, then you are exactly the kind of person that I’m talking about.

        On the other hand, if my girlfriend decided to break up with me right now, I would be hurt and sad, but it would not feel like my world has been shattered. I would still have my dreams, my health, my family, my job etc. Before we even started dating, my girlfriend and I sat down and openly discussed our expectations for the relationship. We made a commitment not just to each other, but also to continue to do the things that make use happy, and we’ve held to that agreement. That is why I know that I will be fine if the relationship ends. 

        You shouldn’t work on your goals or develop a plan of action only when you are single. You should be doing these things regardless of your relationship status, and if you happen to be involved with someone, then you factor them into your plans—not factor your plans into your relationship! You are way too important to give up who you are for another person. Your relationship needs the real you. The reason for this is simple: not giving up who you are creates natural space. To me, this is when both you and your partner continues to do the things you did before the relationship began. You do the things that make you happy, and in doing so you create space away from each other which allows you to keep your own identity.

        “Having enough space or privacy in a relationship is more important for a couple's happiness than having a good sex life,” according to Dr Terri Orbuch, a psychologist, research professor at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research and author of Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship. Orbuch is an authority on marriage and divorce. Since 1990 she has been involved in a long-term study of US marriages called The Early Years of Marriage Project, which has been following the same 373 married couples for over 25 years. 46 per cent of the couples have since divorced. During her research, Orbuch found that 29 per cent of spouses said they did not have enough "privacy or time for self" in their relationship, with more wives than husbands reporting not having enough space (31 per cent versus 26 per cent). Of those who reported being unhappy, 11.5 per cent said the reason was lack of privacy or time for self. This was a greater percentage than the 6 per cent who said they were unhappy with their sex lives. “When partners have their own set of interests, friends, and time for themselves, that makes them happier and less bored,” says Orbuch. “Time alone also gives partners time to process their thoughts, pursue hobbies and relax without responsibilities to others.”

        You need healthy space to create a long lasting, happy relationship. I love my relationship because I am 100% myself. I still spend time with my family, I go to the gym, eat healthy, work on my dreams and still spend an abundant amount of time with my girlfriend. Exploring my interests outside of my relationship is what gives me happiness. Now when I go back to my relationship, I am my true, happy self and I bring that happiness back into my relationship. When you get into a relationship, you’re meant to be a positive force in each other’s life. You are meant to encourage them to continue to work on themselves and do things that makes them happy outside of the relationship—not become consumed by it. 

        When you don’t push aside the activities that make you, you then you two are always in each other’s space. When you are with each other 24/7, then you’re eventually going to butt heads. John Aiken, a relationship psychologist states, “couples need space in a relationship, so they don't suffocate each other. Having time apart is extremely healthy and keeps a freshness in their relationship.” We’re only human; we naturally get sick of people if we spend too much time with them. Even the people we love the most; if you spend too much time with them and not enough time with yourself then eventually you will run into problems such as bickering, unlovingness and annoyance. When you have natural space away from each other you appreciate your partner and their time more. You are not simply hanging out with your partner because you’re bored. You’re spending time with one another because you genuinely want to. This lovingness and affection is created through space.

        With all these experts giving their opinions on space, we now know how vital it is for a long-lasting relationship. The best way I have found to create natural space is by not giving up your identity for your relationship. Don’t stop doing the things you love because you feel obligated to spend more time in your relationship. You have to understand that you cannot give something you don’t have—happiness—to your relationship if you do not first have it within yourself. Happiness is a key ingredient in order to maintain and strive in a relationship and one of the best ways to be happy is by doing the things that make you happy in life.